Over the past 15 years, I have been administered several Myers Briggs Personality Type Indicator tests. The first one revealed that I am an extreme introvert. At this point in my life, I would not even introduce myself in a room full of people. Maybe one on one, but never in a whole room of people. My eyes were soon opened to the fact that if I wanted to accomplish some things that were deep in my heart, this was something that I was going to have to overcome. Over the following 10 years, babystep by babystep, I did things to come out of my shell, so to speak. So much that when  I took the personality test 10 years later, it showed that I was a first level extrovert.

Five more years have passed, and as I have learned to be still and get in tune with myself a little better, I have taken the test again. Only to realize that  I am a born introvert, that has learned extrovert skills. I recently had a conversation about this with a friend of mine who has also studied personality types and other social behaviors. He too is an extreme introvert who has had to learn extrovert skills for his career. He made a comment that I have found to be truth. Introverts actually make better extroverts when working with groups of people, because they can be more sensitive to others. There is still somewhat of a filter before speaking and working with people. You still have to ‘flip the switch’ to turn on your extrovert self, but you usually don’t have to eat your words like I hear stories told by true extroverts.  Although if an introvert goes too long, or too many days in a row operating in an extrovert role, they will burn out and be no good to anyone. This is what I have learned most about myself as an introvert. I desperately need time to myself. If I go more than 3 days without complete solitude, I start to lose it. My husband and kids can’t figure out what is wrong with me. I feel sick, irritable, and sometimes like I am losing my head. But give me a day with no conversation, no body hanging on me or touching me, a quiet room and a book or pen and paper…I feel like a new person. An  extrovert might feel the opposite. Being alone for a day or two, would feel like suffocation. They would quickly feel the onset of cabin fever and look for any excuse to get out and find people to draw energy from.

I read a quote the other day that also rings true… “The difference between solitude and isolation, is that solitude is a choice and isolation is forced” – Richard Exley.  I believe that few extroverts would choose to be alone for a few days. Learning the difference in these two has helped me to communicate better. Knowing myself and when I have to flip the switch to make someone feel welcome or learn more about them by talking and asking questions etc…and When I have to retreat, be alone, really alone, and recharge my batteries. On a daily basis if I have not been over stimulated by too many people, I can recharge in 20 minutes by taking a walk, going to the store alone, driving a quick errand off island or simply closing the door to my room and being still. However if I have been travelling or out to social events for multiple days in a row…then I need a day or two to recover.

When I was at the peak of my portrait business and meeting with people everyday in my busy studio, and then in the off hours taking care of my family and church obligations in between portrait sessions…I did not know this about myself. This was at the time I thought I had become an extrovert. When actually, I had just learned extrovert skills and at times thought I was was losing my mind.

Some people may think that personality typing is a bunch of hooey, but I can see first hand how understanding your own personality type and that of your spouse, children and friends can help your relationships grow and sustain them during the difficult times. By understanding what makes them tick and how they really need to recharge can make your life, and theirs, much easier.

People often ask Sean and I what our secret is to staying married and in love for 25 years. I believe that one key to the solution is that we have learned these psychological preferences and needs of each other, and being sensitive to when the other needs their space to recharge. Love and relationship is much more than just how someone makes you feel. Learning who they are and how they are wired, will help you know how to love them and relate to them.

When I sat down to write this post about being an introvert, I had just spent 8 consecutive days with zero time to myself. I was on the verge of cracking. In fact at one point, I did. I was in an emotional puddle, tears and all. Then I read  a blog post titled “The Introvert’s Guide to Staying Alive” from one of my favorite authors, Donald Miller. I don’t know if I had ever felt more like someone was writing all about me. If this topic interests you, you might enjoy this post from the same author “How to Get Along With an Introvert“.

Now that I feel like I have been from one end of the introvert/extrovert spectrum to the other and back again, I feel more in touch with myself than ever. I believe this makes me a better spouse, mom and friend.

Do you know if you are in introvert or an extrovert? The official Myers Briggs test is much more involved than just introvert/extrovert, but you can get a pretty good idea about yourself by taking this quick online test it will take about 12 minutes.  I just took this short test again to see if it was as accurate as the long form tests I have taken in the past. Spot on. I am still an INFP, what are you?