It was just after midnight and the train continued swaying on the rails as it pushed ahead northward through South Carolina then North Carolina. My head filled with thoughts coming from every direction. Bouncing from happy memories from less than twenty four hours ago when my just-turned-eighteen-years-old-daughter, Baylie, had invited me to dinner to the uncertainty of the advice I had given another one of my children a few days ago.
Thinking about each of my kids and the places they are in their lives. Currently there ages are 23, 21, 18, 14 and 11. Three of them now in the adult world, making their own choices and decisions that will direct and shape their futures. Two of them still minors, where Sean and I are responsible for a few more years for their decisions and guiding them.
Parenting is a tricky thing. Even though I have been through each stage of raising a child more than a few times, it still doesn’t get any easier knowing I have been entrusted with the lives of five human beings.
It’s so cliché to state they don’t come with instructions but what a true statement it is. And once I think I have one kid figured out, then next one is a completely different make and model.
When I was pregnant with Ava, people around me would say “Oh my God… Are you sure you can handle five kids?” I was never really phased about the number of kids, even though there were stressful and emotionally noisy times, that never really concerned me. What really worried me was being able to get five human beings from infancy to adulthood without major crisis. The chances of bad stuff happening was so much higher with five than just having two or three kiddos. This is when I just had to trust that they were given to me for a season, but they are ultimately not in my hands.
One thing that Sean and I have agreed on as parents is that we would let our kids be their own individual selves. We have raised them all with the same guidance, love and discipline, though some needed more discipline than others…no names to be mentioned..ahem. And while we think we are teaching them, I reached a place in my life to realize what they are teaching me. Patience, understanding, love, forgiveness and acceptance.
Each of them have gone through their “it’s only a phase stages” and some of those phases stuck, becoming a permanent part of their being, and I’m ok with that. Sometimes they fall and screw up and make a mess of things, but then sometimes I fall and screw up too. Life can just be messy. Nothing could make me love them any less or want to sever a relationship with them.
I have watched their relationships with each other and with those around them grow and strengthen and as they learn how to navigate their path on earth. Countless people tell me stories of times and experiences they have shared with my kids. Most of these stories make me smile, and a few make me cringe. 😉 but hey that just part of the whole package.
Ironically as I travel on the train thinking of each of my kids, I am on my way to spend five days with my parents, lending a hand as my dad recovers from back surgery. As the train clicks, rocks, sways and switches to continue on the tracks that point north, my thoughts shift to my parents and the lessons of life they instilled in me. Memories from decades before flood the cerebral space in my head but from a different perspective. Remembering specific times as a child that I had with each of my parents, and my brother growing up. They are sweet memories. Good times.
My parents were young when they had me and my brother too. Though they made their mistakes and did the best with what they had and what they knew, I’m reminded that we didn’t come with instructions either.
Life is full right now, and some days there just doesn’t seem like enough hours in the day to give everyone the attention that’s needed, while still making a living and doing life’s ‘have tos’. But I am ever thankful to have my husband, parents, in-laws (though we prefer to call them “in loves”), children and siblings an integral part of my life. Each are a gift that continues to pour into the world leaving their mark and touching those around them and shaping me into who I am becoming. It’s these relationships that are most important to me and I never want to lose sight of them. Pressures, demands and daily needs can quickly bog down the schedule, but relationships are the only true thing I continue to value.