At twelve years old, I began a conscious relationship with God. My faith journey has been always been personal, but never hidden. I was was raised in a loving and supportive home, but going to church and religion was not part of it. We had a close family friend that would occasionally bring me to Sunday school whenever I wanted to go, giving me a sprinkling of Christian teaching in my childhood. Asking questions and starting a dialog with God was a decision I made on my own. By making a personal decision of faith in Jesus at this young age, and not one that was co-hearsed by anyone else, I found a relationship and communication with God that was mine alone, and I took it pretty serious.  Divine guidance helped me through my teen years. Journalling my prayers and requests to God and watching them answered, strengthened my faith during these pivotal years.  Growing up with role model parents that were committed to love each other, I had a desire to start a family early in life. Why would I want anything other?

Sean and I met when I was eighteen, he was twenty. We were friends for six months before we dated, then married within a year, shortly after I turned twenty. We tried to figure out this “growing up thing” together. In one week at age twenty-two, we had finished renovating the first home we had purchased, moved in, had our first baby and started a new church. Yes you read that correctly…all in one week. This church continued for nearly twenty years with Sean eventually being ordained as one of the pastors. In the early years, our church did not seem like “church”. We were like a big family that loved being together. Informal gatherings in our backyard grew and included anyone who wandered in. All were loved and accepted. There was a young carefree spirit that was contagious and drew people in from all over.  New life was created and it was exhilarating to be around. We worshipped God and cheerfully helped those around us. Weekends were spent camping, cooking out and living life together. Simple, fun and uncomplicated.

At one point, we reached out to the teens in our county. There was nothing positive for them to do and keep them out of trouble, so we started a teen club from the commercial shopping center space where our church was meeting. We booked a few bands, and made a deal with the our pizza delivery neighbors and opened our doors to teens from all over. Not preaching to them, just hanging out and showing love. Many of these kids came from broken homes and complicated lives. But they felt safe and welcome in our care. Within a month, every Friday night our make shift church-teenclub was packed to our official fire marshal occupancy. Kids were skipping football games to hang out at our little place called “The Fish Market”.  Our effort to provide something positive for kids was thwarted by the end of the year, when the land lord of the building shut down our club, stating he did not want “those kinds of kids” in his building. That took the wind out of our sails, and it seems from then on we began to play the game most American churches play. Finding a building that would house a congregation, raising money to pay for it, keeping everyone happy by singing the right songs, entertaining their children with the right Sunday school curriculum and being available to solve their every problem…all with a smile that suggests the Christian life is happy and joyful.

When I was in my early thirties, I started to desire a career for myself that was beyond housekeeping and caretaking. This is not to belittle anyone making a life doing these things, as I was fulfilled in my marriage and raising my kids. It was just time for me to begin to discover myself as Wen, separate from my life as a mom and pastor’s wife. That was the beginning of my journey into more than a decade of professional photography. What started out as a small stay-at-home-mom-business that was a means to help contribute to the family budget, soon became our sole income that employed both Sean and myself full time. Kind of reminds me of the saying, “Watch what you ask for, cause you just might get it.”

Life became all-consuming raising five children, caring for church members, obligations and our growing business. The Church met in our home or a rented building for the span of twenty-two years. At one point, for a few years, we had 80-100 people meeting weekly in our living room.  Our life was spent either preparing for church, or cleaning up after it, both literally and figuratively. After 18 years of church leadership, I had hit a wall and could no longer do it.  I could no longer commit the days of my life to the institution of “the church”. I came home after one service and told Sean, I was done. Five years passed before I ever stepped into a church again.

During those five years, I tied a knot at the end of my wavering and tired faith in God and held on for life. The next several years were dark and lonely, as I withdrew from those around me, including the love of my life. As much as I would never wish dark and lonely times on anyone, a lot can happen by walking through them. It is not a place I wish to go through again, but I learned a lot about myself and God’s love for me. Through the tough times, we ended up making decisions that were better for us and our family. If you are going through the dark times, I want to encourage you to tie and knot and hang on. You will have to keep putting one foot in front of the other to get through it, but eventually you will come out on the other side. The other day I heard my friend say “God displays His power in our pain” it can be a hard pill to swollow, but what follows is worth it. I am thankful for the early years as they have given us a true foundation that sustained our marriage and family through the dark years.

I don’t ever presume to have it all figured out, but I have found a peace that few can explain. When the answers I am looking for can’t be found, (and believe me, the questions are plenty) there is a peace inside that gets me to the next day, and that’s all I can ask for.